There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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