And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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