i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
