I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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