when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
