shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
