My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just want to make out with him forever
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
