What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
