she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
