he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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