I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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