so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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