I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
