he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
