She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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