Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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