I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Boobs are out for the taking
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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