I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
