I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
