Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
