Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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