while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
