Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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