Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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