...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
