I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
