Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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