Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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