my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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