once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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