Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
