I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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