Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
