Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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