she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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