I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
