bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
