ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize