he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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