It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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