Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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