There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
