so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
