I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
