There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Someone came in the potted fern
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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