she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
