So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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