her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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