Your mouth is God's brothel.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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