just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
