saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
