i may or may not be watching the land before time
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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