Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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