O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
