Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
