Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize