I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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