I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
