either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
