That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
