Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
