my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize