Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
