You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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