so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Rumble strips road head = magical
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
