hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
this boner is exhausting
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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