I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize