You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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